Akhirnya ku menemukanmu

Menulis di saat malam di tempat tidur sambil mendengarkan musik slow memang gampang menghanyutkan. Suasana sunyi membuat rasa terbang bebas melayang, mensyukuri apa yang telah diterima sampai saat ini. Termasuk saat menengok ke seseorang yang terbaring nyenyak di sebelah...

Wajahnya yang tenang, sungguh menghadirkan memori sepanjang 21 tahun perjalanan yang kita tempuh bersama. Dia bukanlah wanita yang sempurna. Dia memiliki kelemahan dan kekurangan...tapi dia adalah yang terbaik yang diberikan Tuhan kepadaku.

Kelemahan dan kekurangannya justru menjadi pengingat bahwa diriku juga jauh dari sempurna. Mengingatkan kewajibanku untuk selalu belajar dan memperbaiki diri...
Dan kelemahan dan kekurangan itu dengan mudah tertutup oleh apa yang telah dia lakukan terhadapku, terhadap anak-anak kami...
Kesetiaan, perhatian, dan kasih sayangnya, itu juga yang membuatnya menjadi yang terbaik buat kami..

Seandainya lagu "Akhirnya Ku Menemukanmu" milik Naff sudah ada sejak dua puluh satu tahun lalu, maka akan kunyanyikan bait-baitnya ke hadapannya..

Jika nanti kusanding dirimu, miliki aku dengan segala kelemahanku
Dan bila nanti engkau di sampingku, jangan pernah letih tuk mencintaiku
Akhirnya..ku menemukanmu..

Selamat Jalan Bidadariku, Gapailah Cita-Citamu

Sudah lama sekali tidak menulis di blog ini. Hampir lupa kalau saya punya blog ini malah. Tapi tiba-tiba muncul dorongan kuat untuk menengoknya kembali dan menorehkan beberapa kata...

Kemarin saya dan istri mengantar Rizka pindahan ke Depok karena Rizka sudah akan menjalani kehidupannya sebagai mahasiswa UI. Sejak beberapa hari sebelum itu perasaan saya sudah tidak menentu. Ada rasa kehilangan di sana. Saya tidak biasa ditinggalkan, karena biasanya saya yang sering pergi meninggalkan istri dan anak-anak.

Ternyata saya bukan bapak yang tegar.. :) Ditinggal anak perempuan untuk kuliah saja merasa mellow. Padahal Depok juga tidak jauh-jauh amat, padahal juga masih bisa sering bertemu.. :) Tapi rasa kehilangan memang tidak memilih korbannya. Semua memori tentang Rizka bergantian muncul di pikiranku. Saat dia balita, yang tidak mau lepas dari ibunya dan sering takut kepada orang asing. Saat dia pentas pertama kali di depan publik, begitu selesai pentas langsung meloncat memeluk bapaknya, seolah berkata,"Bapak, ternyata aku bisa...". Saat dia menikmati program-program student exchange ke Melbourne, Korea, Jepang, dll. Dan saya tidak akan pernah lupa saat dia mengutarakan keinginannya untuk bersekolah di luar negeri...

Rizka sayang...engkau sudah menjadi bagian yang tidak terpisahkan dari kehidupan bapak. Sekarang engkau sudah mulai lepas, dan bapak tidak bisa menahanmu, nak. Bapak sadar, inilah jalanmu. Bapak cuma berharap, jadilah dirimu sendiri dan langkahkan kakimu dengan sebaik-baiknya...

Semoga Allah selalu menyertaimu dalam menggapai cita-citamu...

Resolusi Tahun Baru

Sudah lama sekali saya tidak menulis di blog ini. Entahlah, rasanya sekarang ini saya terlalu sering berada di permukaan dan kurang punya waktu untuk menyelam ke dalam kesunyian dan keheningan transendental. Semoga kondisi ini segera membaik...sudah rindu rasanya menjelajahi alam perenungan untuk menemukan pencerahan-pencerahan yang menenangkan...

Alhamdulillah hari ini adalah hari terakhir di tahun 2009. Sering orang bertanya, "Apa resolusi anda untuk tahun depan?" Jika saya ditanya seperti itu, terus terang saya tidak bisa menjawabnya. Saya tidak punya resolusi. Saya tidak punya keinginan atau cita-cita... Kalaupun dipaksa menjawab, maka maksimal jawaban saya adalah, "Meneruskan perjalanan hidup, menuju ke tujuan akhir"...

Seolah sederhana, tetapi sebenarnya penjabaran dan realisasinya sungguh memerlukan perjuangan berat. Berusaha untuk menjadi ayah dan suami yang baik, anak yang baik, guru yang baik, warga masyarakat yang baik, dan manusia yang baik. Dan ini adalah usaha yang tidak pernah akan berhenti. Dari dulu, sampai hari ini, dan seterusnya.

Jadi dalam alam perenungan saya, tidak dikenal adanya resolusi baru. Semuanya berjalan tetap seperti itu. Tidak ada bunyi terompet, tidak ada klakson yang bersahutan, dan tidak ada kembang api. Kebahagiaan dan keriangan muncul bukan pada pergantian tahun, tapi saat menemukan sesuatu yang baru, yang lebih baik dari sebelumnya. Saat saya merasa menapaki tahapan berikutnya...

Gusti...bimbinglah saya dalam perjalanan ini. Nyalakanlah kembang api-Mu dalam kalbuku, untuk membuatku riang dan bergembira...

It's Intensifying

One of the reasons why I go for this trip is contemplation. I plan to retract from my daily work routines, to find a quiet place, and to start contemplating. This 3-week getaway to Manchester is a perfect opportunity, and I am doing my contemplation now. I can think things that are normally out of my priorities. I am in the most productive times for writing my book. But I also get requests from friends, asking for various kinds of help and assistance. From students asking me to review their works, friends asking my opinion for their personal problems, to colleagues requesting me to handle big business problems that I have never encountered before.

Duh Gusti...is this the result of my contemplation ? I want to scream... I want to refuse all those requests, coz all those are definitely NOT in my plan. Coz I don't want them all. But how can I avoid them ? How can I deny them ? The pattern repeats again, the call inside me is so loud and clear. It is intensifying within me... How can I despise them when every time I pray for God to make me strong and be useful for others ? How can I betray my own mission in my life ?

Ya Allah, it seems that the requests ARE the result of my contemplation. Not like what I expect, really, but my expectation does not count. Your plan that counts, ya Allah. I just pray, asking for strength and help in replying the requests. Duh Gusti, paringana kekiyatan. Only You can help me. Only You can really solve all problems. And I do believe your love to me will guide me and protect me.

I realize my tasks will not be easy. Not easy at all. But I do believe there must be a way out for every problem. A God-planned way out, the best of all alternatives.

Ya Allah...matur sembah nuwun for all You have given me. The strength, the power, the tools, the opportunities, ... everything. And I know this is my call. You have set it for me. For the goodness of other people, of myself, and of all the universe. This is your perfect plan, and I am so happy to realize that I become a tiny part of it.

I ain't screaming...instead I am smiling... and I am continuing my contemplation.

Alhamdulillahi rabbil 'alamiin..

John Terry

Jika anda penggemar sepakbola, anda pasti tahu siapa John Terry. Ya, kapten tim "the Blues" alias Chelsea. Jika anda penggemar sepakbola, anda pasti tidak melewatkan final Champions Cup 2008 Kamis 22 Mei 2008 dinihari lalu. Sungguh sebuah antiklimaks yang dahsyat bagi John. Pada saat tiba gilirannya mengambil tendangan pinalti, situasi sungguh sangat berpihak pada Chelsea. Jika tendangannya gol, maka gelar juara akan menghampiri Chelsea. Dan John adalah spesialis penalti. Siapapun, terutama penggemar Chelsea, pastilah sudah menyiapkan teriakan kemenangan di kerongkongannya, siap untuk meledakkannya.

Tapi apa yang kemudian terjadi...John gagal melaksanakan tugasnya. Dan beberapa menit kemudian, Nicholas Anelkapun gagal, dan Chelsea tersandung. Sungguh perubahan yang begitu radikal terjadi dalam waktu yang begitu singkat. Cakra manggilingan, begitu kata orang Jawa.
Tapi cakra (roda) yang berputar terlalu cepat biasanya akan mengejutkan pemiliknya. Apalagi jika perputaran itu membawanya dari posisi di atas ke posisi di bawah.

Well...tapi itulah hidup. Kadang penuh dengan kejutan, baik yang menyenangkan maupun tidak. Alangkah nyamannya bila kita tidak mudah kaget oleh perubahan-perubahan yang ditimbulkannya. Aja kagetan, kata orang Jawa...

So...c'mon John...Go get your life back...

Looking thru the eyes of love

Perhaps this is the first time I wrote two postings on a same day. I just could not stand it. I have experienced a day full of surprises today. The first one came early in the morning when all the crew of MTI gathered in the office, waiting for me. When I arrived, they suddenly brought in a complete nasi tumpeng and congratulated me... I was speechless for a moment. I did not expect such a surprise... Then it was a matter of seconds before everyone in the office knew about my birthday.

I bet no one in our office has received such a warm celebration like I have. What I felt today was an atmosphere of love and care. I enjoyed something different everytime someone shook my hand, or when I read a message on my cellphone. Or as I browsed my incoming emails. Every congratulation I received was like a stream of love and care, rushing into my veins. And the people who sent it, I saw them differently. They were not my colleagues, nor my students, nor my friends. They just simply creatures of God, through whom He extends His rahiim to me.

Suddenly I remembered an old song by Melissa Manchester, "Looking Through the Eyes of Love". God has put a pair of special lenses onto my eyes today. The lenses allow my eyes to see (and feel!) the divine nature of love.

Alhamdulillahi rabbil 'alamiin.

Happy Birthday to Me

It's been a long time since my last post. Well...I wrote this post because I got pleasant surprises this morning. When I activated my cell phone, there were already short messages saying happy birthday to me :) Then when I was doing my routines, my wife and the kids surprised me and gave me a big hug...

I looked at them. Closely. I watched their happy face. So pure... Full of love. Then I looked at myself. Do I love them as they do ? Of course. How deep is my love ? Well...that is a question that cannot be answered in words. I have to prove my love instead of tell it. Through the way I talk to, treat, care, raise, and help them. After all, love is about action, not just talk. When actions do not conform to statements, then it is not a true love.

So...do I love them like they do to me ? Ah...this is a precious reminder on my birthday...

The Transformers

Sudah kali yang ketiga ini aku menonton film The Transformers. Ya...film fantasi yang mestinya cocok untuk anak-anak. Ais dan Olly sangat antusias kalau membicarakannya. Izna, meskipun belum ngerti, ikut-ikutan ceriwis nimbrung percakapan kakak-kakaknya.

Ada yang menarik dari film ini. Selain kepiawaian Michael Bay menyutradarai film yang penuh dengan pameran teknologi animasi ini, ceritanya juga membawa pesan-pesan yang mendalam. Jika, anggaplah robot-robot Autobots dan Decepticons adalah mahluk ciptaan Tuhan, film ini menunjukkan bagaimana sifat-sifat manusia dan ketuhanan juga muncul di sana. Ada nafsu akan kekuasaan, amarah, keserakahan, dan di sisi lain, ada keluhuran budi, keberanian, persahabatan. Pertempuran antara Autobots dan Decepticons pada hakekatnya adalah sesuatu yang sering kita alami, dalam keseharian kita.

Ya...aku menonton The Transformers seolah-olah melihat apa yang sering kualami, pergulatan pribadi yang sering kujalani. Semuanya seolah terproyeksikan ke layar, dikemas dalam sebuah cerita yang menarik... :) Banyak hal berharga yang kudapatkan.

Sekali lagi kebenaran firman Tuhan terbukti, bahwa alam ini penuh dengan petunjuk ... Tergantung kita apakah mampu membacanya ...

Misi Saat Lebaran

Bahagianya hati ini melihat para saudara, terutama bude-bude yang sudah sangat sepuh, berkumpul dan bersilaturahmi di rumah ibu hari Rabu 17 Oktober 2007 kemarin. Dari mulai bude Bandung yang sudah berusia 85 tahun sampai Izna si kecil, kecuali keluarga oom Koen, semua hadir. Yang paling membahagiakan adalah bertemunya bude Bandung dengan tante Piet setelah kira-kira 12 tahun tidak bertemu. Bersama tante Mbot, ketiga beliau ini sekarang asyik bercengkerama di rumah ibu -- sebuah kesempatan yang sangat jarang terjadi...

Matur nuwun duh Gusti, atas kesempatan dan kekuatan yang Engkau berikan kepadaku. Aku sempat tidak yakin mampu membawa bude dari Bandung ke Yogya menggunakan mobil. Apalagi perjalanan ini ditempuh saat padat-padatnya lalu lintas semasa lebaran. Dengan kondisi fisik seperti itu, bagi nalar normal, tidaklah mungkin perjalanan itu ditempuh dengan nyaman. Tapi sekali lagi kekuatan-Mu ya Allah, memungkinkan semua itu terjadi. Meski dengan 12 jam perjalanan, akhirnya bude sampai juga dengan sehat dan selamat di Yogya.

Tiap orang berterima kasih padaku atas apa yang kukerjakan dalam membawa bude ke Yogya. Tapi segala terima kasih dan syukur hanyalah bagi-Mu ya Tuhan. Engkaulah yang mengijinkan terselenggaranya misi mempertemukan bude dan para sesepuh lainnya pada kesempatan yang membahagiakan ini.

Semuanya berawal pada satu keinginan sederhana: alangkah berbahagianya para sesepuh ini jika bisa bertemu dan berkangen-kangenan pada lebaran kali ini ...

Dan kalau ditarik lebih dalam lagi, aku bertanya pada diriku sendiri: apakah yang bisa kuperbuat bagi para bude dan tante yang kini sudah sepuh, yang dulu begitu menyayangiku sewaktu aku masih kecil ...

Sekali lagi, matur nuwun duh Gusti ...

Bunda

Sahur, 17 Ramadhan 1428 (29 Sept 2007). Sudah lama aku tidak mengisi blog perjalanan hati ini.

Sembari menunggu waktu subuh, aku iseng mencari lagu-lagu religius milik Ungu yang menarik. Sebelumnya aku gak tahu siapa Ungu itu. Aku tahu mereka dari kaset anakku yang sering diputar di mobil kami. Akhirnya aku berhasil mendownload "Andai ku tahu" dan "Surgamu". Sebenarnya aku gak begitu tertarik dengan liriknya, tapi musiknya bagus...

Tiba-tiba aku teringat keinginanku dulu untuk mencari lagu tentang pandangan seorang anak ke ibunya, kalo tidak salah dibawakan oleh Melly dengan grup bandnya. Aku tidak tahu judul lagunya atau nama bandnya, tapi - thanks to Google - akhirnya kudapat juga: Potret dengan "Bunda". Singkat kata, "Bunda" bisa kutransfer ke hard diskku.

Lagu ini sederhana sekali musiknya, tetapi kesederhanaan ini mampu membawa hatiku menerawang kembali ke masa kecilku. "... kata mereka diriku selalu dimanja, kata mereka diriku selalu ditimang ...". Seolah-olah Tuhan menghadirkan kembali periode aku sewaktu kecil, tepat ke hadapanku. Dan di sana ada potret ibuku dengan segala bentuk kasih sayangnya padaku. Memori ini bergantian dengan kenyataan saat ini, di mana ibuku dengan fisiknya yang mulai melemah, tetapi senyumnya tetap menunjukkan kasihnya yang besar kepada anak-anak dan cucunya.

Aku tidak mampu menahan air mataku lagi ...

"... oh bunda, ada atau tiada, dirimu kan ada slalu di dalam hatiku ..."

Terima kasih Tuhan, untuk senantiasa mengingatkanku tentang tugasku merawat dan membahagiakan orang yang paling kusayangi dan kuhormati ...

Mum and Dad, you will be allright

I am writing this with my tears looming on my eyes. Last night, with no clue whatsoever, mum suddenly told me about her wishes if she passes away. Nothing special about the wishes actually. But the way she told me makes me very sad. She expressed her wishes with light feeling, with no burden, as if she were ready to leave us all.

Ya Allah, I have no strength at all to control what will happen. But always in my pray, I beg You to forgive the sins of my parents and place them in the best possible position. Please extend Your rahman and rahiim to both of them, like they extended their love to all of their children.

Ya Allah, I believe that even without my pray You will always extend ultimate love and mercy to all of us. My pray is actually for my own sake. It is the pray that constructs a divine relationship between me and my parents. The loving relationship of a son to his parents, reciprocating the love of his parents to him. It is the reciprocal relationship that makes a family, a family.

Ibu and Bapak, you will be allright the Hand of the Most Merciful, wherever you are. Don't even worry about that. Meanwhile, let me continue my mission. Let me love my children like you loved us all.

My tears are falling ...

Heaven and Hell

It is said that we will meet heaven or hell later in our eternal life. Not for me. I can be in heaven or hell right now, in this period of life. I am in heaven when I do good deeds. I enter hell when I do things that are not supposed to be done. Heaven and hell is the state of self. When I am in heaven, my physical body, my mind, my feeling, ... everything is at its best possible state. The opposite is perfectly true for hell.

Heaven and hell are consequences of all things we do. For me, the effect is instantaneous. Of course I expect to be in heaven all the time. But it is very hard to do. Passion, lust, and other negative wishes often become barriers, blocking my path to my heaven, and even push me to hell. I try to learn from this heaven-hell scrolls, I try to understand the inner mechanism that works with this eternal law.

One remaining question: can I be a permanent resident of heaven, in current and future life ? If so, then I won't see hell. The concept of hell will cease to exist in my mind. Is this the ultimate goal of all humans ?

What is happening to me ?

In the last one month or so, I have been feeling myself change. I don't know what's happening, but I see things with more comfortable and optimistic feelings. I see my family members as golden arrows who have their own goal and mission -- and I am sure they can accomplish their mission. I see problems as challenges -- and there will eventually be a good solution for them. I see my own life more meaningful -- I can see paths where I can contribute something.

Alhamdulillah...Please keep this clear for me ya Allah, so I can move ahead and keep tracking the shiraatal mustaqim.

A personal call

I often think about my world. I am an academician, so I am living in the world of lectures, research, and education-related services. I keep on saying to myself, even though I have been holding executive positions at a few units in my university, I am in no way a naturally-born manager. I have no formal education and training in management, so I just walk on and do my job.

By the way, the administrative world is completely different from the academic world. Being in the two worlds at the same time makes me feel uneasy. I can't push myself to the best possible performance in either direction. I keep on thinking that I can't be an excellent lecturer, nor a good manager. But that does not really bother me, since I realize, that is my path. That is what I have to do to serve others. That is why I am created.

And yesterday a close friend pointed out that I have the capability to serve my worlds, simultaneously. I can be a good lecturer, but more importantly, I can also be a good manager. My friend told me that I have some hereditary talents and should explore and expand them.

Ya Allah...if this is true, then perhaps You are showing me your guidance. You are telling me how I can improve my service to my institutions, my fellow friends and colleagues. Perhaps this is the answer to my recent prays.

A new personal call has been placed in my heart... InsyaAllah, Gusti, I will take this task -- but now with no hesitation.

Being a father of a teenager

When I read my 14 y.o. daughter's blog, I smiled. She is growing up, I said to myself. She's developing into a girl, not anymore a child. Her way to express herself, her way of communicating with her friends...some of them even I do not know of.

Well, that reminds me of my youth. We share some similarities. We enjoy the full fragrant of life. We slowly leave off our childish habits, and transform ourselves into new, grown-up characters. But there are also differences. Our environments are different, and perhaps our perception and attitude towards life as well.

And that brings a mixed feeling to me. Sometimes I feel afraid: why is my daughter different from me ? But then I realize that we live in different worlds. There is no way I can enforce my world to hers. Then suddenly I am reminded: this is my call as a father. I have a responsibility to care, nurture, and guard my lovely flower so that she can blossom in the most beautiful way.

So Rizka... go get your stars in the sky. Fly as high as possible. Just one message from me: make yourself useful for others, because this is how you realize your obligation to Gusti Allah. Gusti Allah does not need you. He wants you to realize His perfect plans -- through your hands, delivering His blessing and love to humankind and the universe.

I am right behind you, my daughter... As I am doing my mission, too...

Problems, or challenges ?

We often face difficult situations. Surrounded by thick walls, seems that there is no way out -- but we have to get out somehow. Do we have problems, or do we encounter challenges ? Seems that not much difference between the two, but actually there is a fundamental one.

If we see a problem, we think negatively. Pessimistic atmosphere. Discouraging. But when we look at it as a challenge, we still see opportunities. There is motivation to succeed. And it recharges our energy.

So...do not see difficulties as problems. See them as challenges. That'll make us strong and confident. A positive-thinking person.

Drowned in the rush of time

It has been a long time since I wrote my last post. Since then, time passed very quickly... too quick to take a deep breath and contemplate. I feel tired. I feel bored. And I want to quit this situation...

Please help me, o the Most Merciful. Please stop the time for me. To let me breath, and understand myself better. And shed me the light, my Lord, to guide me in this rushing flow of life. Do not let me lost in the wild turbulence.

Duh Gusti, thank you for the Ramadhan, the enlightening time. Let me embrace it... let me drown myself in it...

A prayer to face a tempting test

In the recent days I have been receiving unexpected precious gifts. Too many as usual, in fact. The sign is so clear. I received them with no excitement. No exhilarating feeling. On the contrary, they become much like obligation to me. What will I do with them ?

Is this a test to my faith, my God ? If so, please strengthen it. Show me the right way. The way that brings benefits to the others. So that it can extend your blessing, love, and care to all.

Or is this one answer to my prayer ? Are You showing me the way ?

A Reminder

Part one:

The timing and situation was perfect. It was right after I finished the negotiating job with JICA. It was right before we leave for Bandung when every schedule had to be cancelled. And it was only us there when the guiding light was clearly delivered to me. It straightforwardly drew my attention to my family. It taught me to see my family from a different perspective. It sent me messages that all of us have an inherently fundamental mission to accomplish during our life.

Part two:

I told what I experienced in part one to the Sangkuriang family. Thank God for their encouraging support. Their empathy, their love, their care... it just brightened the light in my heart. The way they looked at me when I was about to leave their home... I felt some strengthening power rushed in my heart.

Then I realized that my trip to Bandung was part of the enlightening process.

Part three:

Now when I look at my wife and children, I see differently. I see them as khalifatullah who bear God-assigned mission for this world. They have their respective role in realizing God's great plan. And it is my mission to help them accomplish their mission. By giving them a happy living, by providing them good education, and by guiding them to find out why they are created.

Alhamdulillah, thank God for reminding me. This is surely a blessing for me in this Ramadan month.

Understanding our parents

There was something coming up after a conversation with my Mbak in Bandung. We were talking about our parents, who are getting older and older.

I just realized, when engaging in a conversation, I often placed myself and my mother in a situation as if the conversation had happened 20 years back -- when I was a teenager and my mother was still full of energy. I often think she is as strong as she was at that time. I almost always expect her to be strong, patient, and understanding. I almost completely forget that people change, especially when they grow older.

Mbak is right. It is me who have to understand my mother, as well as other elderly people. Even they still look strong, they have weakened. Physically, of course, but mostly also emotionally. They need caressing hands. They need a shoulder to lay on. They need safety and peace of minds. They need smiles from their children. And it is my job to bring those things to them, to my mother especially.

In fact, those are the only things I can do for my mother.

And suddenly I can feel what my mother thinks when I look at my children. Oh boy, I am getting older now...

Tresnajati Wiryaparamita

Just remember about 8 months ago when we hear that shocking news.

When we look back, we can feel the power of an invisible hand. The hand of the Most Merciful that extends His eternal love to us... which in turn rekindles spiritual flames and strength within our souls. Transcendental strength that surpasses any imaginable power, without which it is in no way possible for us to endure our journey through rough emotional situations. We wish that such love be an inseparable characteristics of any human being, so that the great power can be generated within a self to overcome any obstacles.

That is exactly the meaning of Tresnajati Wiryaparamita, our newly born baby.

A precious gift to the family

Monday 12.00am:
A weak voice whispered into my ears, telling the pain was coming.

Monday 03.45am:
She grabbed my hands and woke me up. "It's already pulsing every 10 minutes", she said. We then rushed to the hospital.

Monday 04.25am:
We arrived at the hospital. I looked at her. She was in terrible pain but her eyes assured me she could handle it. I kept caressing her.

Monday 05.25am:
I was praying when I heard a baby crying. But I didnot think it was mine. When I finished, the nurse told me it was my baby. A baby boy.

Monday 05.45am:
I met him. I put him on my lap and performed adzan near his ear. What a tiny, cute baby boy...

Monday 05.55am:
The door opened. I entered. I saw the baby's mother. We smiled to each other. I knew we felt the same thing. Something unexpressable. Alhamdulillahi rabbil alamiin...

What do you see ?

What do you see when you look around you ? Your eyes will see many things, that's for sure.

But now look them with your heart. Do you see the same things ? May be, may be not.

For me, I see the silhouette of a perfect Grand Plan. A perfectly accurate construction of bits and pieces of the Great Universe. No single detail is missing. No inconsistencies at all.

I feel like being part of the Plan. I feel what I have been working so far is to realize the Plan. Strangely, I feel submissive about it. Absolutely no reluctance. Like a child who eagerly does something that he really wants to do. I expect nothing in return.

I keep asking myself ... what's this feeling about ?

Suddenly I remember, "Islam is rahmatan lil alamin". Then everything becomes clear to me. Being part of the Great Plan is just my qudrat. That's why I am created for.

I promise I will be a candle that shines in the dark. A candle that gives light to everyone who needs it. And I don't do it for my self. There is no me, I don't exist. I am just a candle in the hand of the Creator of the Plan...

Inspiring conversations

Just back from a trip to Bandung. Tired, as usual :), but inspired...

The house is ordinary. A bit old, but not as old as the owners. Their body is weak, but their soul are shiningly ripe. Enchanting souls that keep transmitting peace to their surrounding...

Conversations with Pakde and Bude are always inspirational. Concepts that have never been spoken publicly pour into my mind. Not many of them are new to me, and some of them are weird :) Well... I have to admit that some of them are more like bedside stories to a Javanese like me since they are expressed using western point of view. But still, the way Pakde and Bude speak expresses their sincerity and surrenderness, to which I pay my respect.

Oh, I also have to mention about their youngest daughter. First of all, I have to say that she is pretty and has beautiful eyes (really, Mbak, I'm honest about this). "No wonder", I think, when she complained about so much harrasment she has been experiencing so far.

Anyway, she is very expressive. I like her vibrant body language when telling stories. But that's not the thing that makes me attracted to her. After enjoying several conversations with her, I know that she is a pleasant companion in my journey to search the real meaning of life. We have great parts in common. Our religious background, our perspective about life, our goal in life, ...

Our conversations are always fruitful, at least to me. I get insight into what our life should be. I can speak freely about my choice of being different from the mainstream. We can discuss about things behind symbols in religions. I can even tell my personal religious experiences that I have been kept for long. I can express all of those in straightforward manner. Frankly and honestly. Nothing disguised. Thanks Mbak... I hope some time later we will get to our final destination. Safely.

That house on Sangkuriang street really has a special place in my heart...

A New Self

Just been back from hajj trip.

Physically I am exhausted. Very tired. But some spiritual flames light up my heart and mind. Enlightening and transforming heavenly light.

It started from one simple sentence from the beginning of Al-Fatihah verse. "Alhamdulillahi rabbil 'alamin". It is so simple, so short. But like a nuclear reaction, it triggers a chain of enlightement to myself. That sentence means only to Allah that all respects go. And that means we, human beings, are nothing but powerless. And that gives no justification for being proud of anything. And so on, and so on...

Then suddenly everything changed. Allahu akbar... I just hope Allah maintains this enlightened soul. A new self of mine.

Who is stronger ?

A philosophical question:

God is the Almighty. God can create everything, including the most heaviest rock ever.

Once upon a time, there is a very strong man. He is so strong that he can lift the most heavier rock ever created.

Is the man stronger than God ?

The power of mind

Do you believe in the power of mind ?

People often underestimate it. They do not believe that a strong mind do have enormous creating power. Wanna proof ? Watch your TV box. Think how ads work. They base their business on the fact that minds _do_ create things... in this case, ads influence customers' mind to decide to spend money.

Can we use the same power for better things ? Yes, we can. We can tell our mind to care our health. We order our mind to achieve our goals. We ensure our mind to travel safely in our daily activities. And many other examples...

The key is focus and faith. You have to focus your mind on a specific target, and nothing else. Once your mind is focused, bring the target to the deep of your heart, then lock it with faith. In no circumstances that the target will miss. Haqqul yaqin. Then release it from your mind. From here, do not interfere... Let the Mighty Power works on it... InsyaAllah you will pick fruitful results...

Well... that is my interpretation of pasrah.

Try it... It works for me :)

Falling in love (again)

Love is timeless... It lurks deep in my heart. In many times, it blossoms. Like a red rose in my backyard...

Like now. I'm falling in love (again).

In the middle of a night, quiet and chilly night... We prayed tahajjud together, after experiencing a shocking afternoon. No one could help us, and I mean there is _really_ no one... so we knelt down, humbly, praying for help from the Most Merciful...

When we finished, there is only silence. She laid her head on my shoulder. Suddenly, a strange feeling rushed in. And when I looked at her, I saw someone. Someone I knew very well, but this time she looked different. Oh God, I couldn't stand it. Those crying eyes... I could not forget how they looked at me. No words at all, but that shaking body told me everything...

Then I knew the answer of our pray has come. My heart was enlightened. I knew what to do. From that moment, I made myself a promise. I will stand by her, caring, helping, and protecting her. Now and forever.

And then suddenly a rose blossomed in my heart...

To the greatest woman that I ever have in my life:
I love you my dear, with all my heart and soul.

Crumbling of a thick wall

Yesterday I witnessed a very special moment in my life. A few young fellas from our company have demonstrated an achievement that has never been done before. We have brought a new horizon in information system integration in our campus, something has been dreamed for long. I will not forget those shy but proud faces ... Yes kids, you have proven that through hard work and persistence, there is nothing impossible. Keep the good job, lads. My support goes with ya all.

Unspeakable moments of love

Have you ever experienced the touch of love ?

When I stare at the ones I love, or when I touch them, I am lost in the middle of nothingness.

The moments when time stands still... Nothing surrounding but emptiness and calmness, not even myself... Like a dot in the universe, I immerse myself in a divine space. I am there, but there is no me. I am wrapped by a strange, caring feeling. The feeling of sharing, protecting, and caressing. Really unspeakable moments...

Moments of love... They can happen anytime, anywhere. At home, in the car, during family dinner, even when I am angry... They just happen.

Greetings !

This is my first post. I create this blog to express what's in my mind. Anything that comes across. I hope I can share it with you, and feel free to discuss it if you are interested.